i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
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The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
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Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
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