So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
