Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Randomize
