We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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