I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
