I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
