I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
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My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
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The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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