I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Dicks are not precious.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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