so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
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Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
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She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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