Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
