a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
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Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
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It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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