I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
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I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
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Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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