but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
