Pregnant stripper...not hot.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
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