My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
