Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
