I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
