I need to stop coming to work sober
zippers are such a cool invention
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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