You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Randomize
