Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
i out mim tonsoeep
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