this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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