You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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