Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
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