You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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