Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
