Acid is not a monday night drug
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
