Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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