Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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