saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I want to fling myself into the sun
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
