apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
