your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
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