i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
