I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
