I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
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