thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
