my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
