if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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