why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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