you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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