dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
