My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
