the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
