I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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