i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
