can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
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Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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