Pants 0. Shit 1.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
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he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
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There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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