if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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