Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
