Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
