I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
