Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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