Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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