needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
