Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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