this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
