Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
