is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
