Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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