YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
