We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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