everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
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