where am i from again
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
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There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
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People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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